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By: Mokshadevi - 2009-2010

Namaskar dear friends...

Thanks for your emails, Didi and Sulocana, its nice to read how everyone is now that the tour, weirdly (!) is over... Hope to hear from the rest of you as well.

Yes it was very strange when one after another you all left India and I was left on my own in Pahar Ganj, waiting for Dada Cittabodhananda to arrive to Dehli on a delayed train, so that I couold get my laptop from his flat, which in the end I didn't end up getting anyway, cause my plane lifted before he arrived!
But I think Baba wanted me to have that space on my own before I dived into a new adventure, and I had two really lovely days on my own, and actually met some very nice people here and there, while drinking maximum, and I mean MAXIMUM JUICE! :)

Then I took a flight to Kerala, and as I was waiting in transit for several hours in bangalore, I started writing my diary, and suddenly all this processing of the tour and my experiences there, with you, and with Baba, started... It was really nice, I wrote for HOURS,  and I suddenly realized how rich our time together was, and that I was learning so many new things and also getting to know myself in so many new ways! Thank you for sharing this experience with me, and making it what it was.

As I am now writing I am remembering all the places we visited, Rishikesh, then Pushkar, Bodhgaya, Agra, Jamalpur, Ananda Nagar, and then the time in Katmandu and the trek... wow, we really went through a lot! I miss all these places a lot and Baba's vibration that we carried with us wherever we went.

I am now in Kannur in North Kerala and just finished the first week of my one month ayurvedic massage and panchakarma course. It is just SUCH a different experience to be here than my last 2 months in India. First of all, south India is so different from the north of India, even just vibrationally, and also its humid, warm, sunny and of course loud but not as loud as the north I guess. North India feels much more spiritual somehow, in a kind of chaotic lovely way (yes i never thought I would appreciate this:). 
But mainly I think, it is that I am in a completely different space here than when we were travelling together. Baba is suddenly giving me all this time to be on my own, and to really BE with myself with not so many chances to run away!:)

At first it was really a shock when I arrived here and I realized I will actually live in my own room with my own bed in a flat with a few other random people (who are very nice but very few, hardly any people on the course are really seriously into meditation etc). it was like realizing that I am still my own person after having spent so many days non-stop with you guys, all sleeping, eating, meditating together! I guess normally if I would have gone home after the tour I would have stepped into another cosy group of friends and family and kind of got on with it, but here baba is really giving me a break to be with myself...

And I realize... that this is what I came to India for actually... to have this space, and I have found many times in the past in my life, that wherever this space arises, Baba comes stronger... So this is what is happening right now.. and in some way my heart is softening and opening in a way that I havent' felt for a while... it reminds me of a feeling when I was a very new margi, and i though i lost this feeling and it would never come back...

In contrast though, I am REALLY REALLY learning to appreciate and understand on a very profound level how important it is to have satsaung and to be able to be with people like you guys in my life, and move together. Just to be with peopole that completely understand me and who also share this search for the Divine in literally EVERYTHING that we do. It is only when we don't have that for a while that we understand how lucky we are. So I am missing that  alot!

But also I guess I am sort of shocked to suddenly be among "normal" people and its like my mind can't comprehend that so many people in the world live without the awareness of BABA.. like, they eat, sleep, work, do their little projects, have relationships and grow, but that there is no greater aspect to it all, like a purpose or a Supreme desideratum... no meditation everyday! So weird! It's really made me feel Baba even stronger, and it's like I want to be even more myself and more disciplined with my practices and lifestyle, when I am in a place like this.

The ayurvedic course is really amazing, I am learning so much and the doctors are really great. I am starting treatments next week! this is VERY different to my freezing cold massage experience in rishikesh:)
After this ends (end of feb) I have decided to go back to Ananda nagar for 10 days before I fly back to London. I miss Ananda nagar so much... I just want to be in Baba's room. And walk around and see orange people everyehere! I hope I can do some filming with the boys there.

Okay I have to finish here... I am wishing you all the best on your paths, and hoping that you will go deeper and deeper into your hearts so that we can all become more and more who we truly are and change the world together!

Much love

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